SPOT
What’d the really stupid guy name his pet zebra? “Spot.”

WALK AROUND WORLD
Did you hear about the idiot who walked around the world? He drowned.

AIRPORT
Do you know how you can tell the really stupid guy at the airport? He’s the one throwing bread to the planes.

PUT UP SCREENS
Two guys are in a submarine. The first guy says, “Man, what are all these fish doing in here?” The other guy says, “I don’t know. Maybe we should put up some screens.”

QUIET PLACE
What’s the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant.

TRUE-FALSE
A little kid’s in school, taking a true-false test and he’s flipping a coin. At the end of the test he’s flipping the coin again. The teacher says, “What are you doing?” He says, “Checking my answers.”

HOLY WATER
You know how to make holy water? You take some regular water and you boil the hell out of it.

• When asked to your address, your answer begins with http://
• Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
• You chat with your fingers, not your mouth.
• You use Netscape 4.72, and you check every week whether version 4.73 was released.
• You know the difference between Java and Java script.
• Most of your friends have an @ in their names.
• In order to watch CNN you move to www.cnn.com
• On your business card the e-mail appears before the phone number.
• You find yourself typing “com” after every period when using a word processor.com
• You check your mail. It says “no new messages.” So you check it again.
• You can perfectly imitate the sound pattern of your modem connecting to your ISP.
• You can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).
• You are told about a new program, and you are disappointed to find that it is a TV program.
• Not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your network address faster than your postal one.
• You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

Customer: “Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?”

You know you’ve been programming too long when………

You are counting objects, you go “0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A, B, C, D…”

When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

When your wife says “If you don’t turn off that darn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!”, and you chastise her for omitting the else clause.

When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.

When you look for your car keys using: “grep keys /dev/pockets”

When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.

When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.

When not only do you check your emails more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.

When you try to balance your checkbook and discover that you are doing the math in octal.

When you dream in 256 palettes of 256 colors.

Why it’s better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend’s clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We’ve never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies … (you get the point).

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we’re gay.

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE’RE gay.

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

14. It’s possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

15. We don’t have to fart to amuse ourselves.

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

20. If we’re dumb, some people will find it cute.

21. We don’t have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we’re aware that we look like an idiot.

25. Our friends won’t think we’re weird if we ask whether there’s spinach in our teeth.

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

27. We’ll never regret piercing our ears.

28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.